How to Push Back Against Ageism

There was another study out recently about pervasive ageism. This one dealt with the wording in employment ads. I was going to write yet another angry piece about yet another example of the poor treatment of older people. But why bother? We already know such behavior exists. Besides, what’s an older person to do about it?

Pushing back against societal behavior is nearly impossible for most people. Pushing back against an individual who engages in ageist language or behavior might be another matter.

So I decided to seek out some advice from a terrific group of age-related researchers and writers about effective one-on-one responses for older people who experience discriminatory behavior.

What works? And could they give me a couple of examples?

To break the ice, I led off with my own example.

When I was in rehab for a knee replacement, I had a competent and very likable physical therapist. We talked about a lot of things other than the torture she was inflicting on my new knee joint.

One day, she greeted me with this introduction: “How are you doing today, young man?”

Of course, my alarms sounded loudly. But I doubted a direct and aggressive response would change her behavior. So, I said, “I’m fine, but I’m afraid I’ll have to report you to the Aging Police.” As I hoped, she asked why, and I was able to explain – quietly, I hope – why I found her greeting inappropriate. I think she listened and, I hope, did not repeat this greeting to other older patients.

With that, here’s what my admittedly self-selected group said.

First, some introductions. Here are the people who kindly shared their time and expertise:

Ashton Applewhite

Ashton is the author of “This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism.” She began blogging about aging and ageism in 2007 and started speaking on the subject in July, 2012, which is also when she started her "Yo, Is This Ageist?" blog.

Louise Aronson

Louise is a geriatrician, writer, educator, and professor of medicine at University of California, San Francisco. She is the author of The New York Times bestseller and Pulitzer Prize finalist “Elderhood: Redefining Aging, Transforming Medicine, and Reimagining Life.”

Rich Eisenberg

Rich was the managing editor for more than a decade at Next Avenue, the PBS site for people 50+. Early this year, he retired from that job and soon began an active “unretirement” career that includes podcasting, freelance writing and teaching digital media.

Margaret Morganroth Gullette

Margaret is an internationally known and prize-winning writer on ageism and is currently a resident scholar at the Women’s Studies Research Center at Brandeis University. She is the author of “Ending Ageism, or How Not To Shoot People,” and at work on a new book, “American Eldercide.”

Kerry Hannon

Kerry, an expert on the world of work for older people, has written for major news outlets and is currently a senior columnist for Yahoo! Finance. She is the author of 15 books, including “In Control at 50+: How to Succeed in the New World of Work,” which was published earlier this year.

Laurie M. Orlov

Laurie, a tech industry veteran, writer, speaker and elder care advocate, is the founder of Aging and Health Technology Watch, which provides market research, trends, blogs and reports about health and aging-related technologies and services that enable boomers and seniors to sustain and improve their quality of life.

And here is what they said:

Applewhite:

I think the best, all-purpose answer to an ageist comment is, “What do you mean by that?” Ask it in a neutral tone — is you goal to shame or to change? — then wait.

You can find more examples on my Yo, Is This Ageist? blog.

Aronson:

It’s hard to know where to begin, so some random thoughts:

Responding with anger or insult just puts people’s hackles up

Using “I” phrases helps since we all own our own feelings

Best to start by with a pause and some generosity: “Sorry to interrupt, but I just need to point something out. I think you know how much I like/respect/etc you and that’s why I want to tell you that what you just said felt hurtful/insulting/etc. And I know that’s not what you meant. Lots of people do the same thing and most mean well but most of us who are old find those comments offensive/condescending.”

Great if you can explain why:

I’m not a baby, speaking to me in a baby voice is demeaning.

I have trouble hearing but my brain is working just fine.

We both know I’m old, when you pretend otherwise you suggest that being old is a bad thing and it’s not. Bodily changes have their disappointments but, on average, older people are happier and more satisfied with their lives than young people.

For other scenarios, there’s a similar start. “I’m sorry but I need to stop you there. I’m right here and it feels like you’re talking about me rather than to me. I know that was probably unconscious so I wanted to point it out since there’s no age at which being talked over like that feels good. Can we start again?”

Eisenberg:

In my life, sometimes I am about to start interviewing someone who knows my background and who says: “I thought you were retired!” I respond that I retired from my full-time job, but I didn’t retire from life. I go on to say I am retiring the way many are these days: working part-time doing what I enjoy, using new free time to volunteer, mentor, travel and spend time with my wife. 

Gullette:

Margaret shared links to three pieces she’s written that include many potentially effective responses and strategies. They don’t lend themselves to snappy one-liners, but your time will be well spent reading them.

“Ageism Ignores And Insults The Competence Of Adults.”

“Fight Ageism By Retiring The Offensive Metaphor, 'Getting Old’ ”.

"Ramping Up," about how building a ramp at my summer house solved a problem that went deeper than we knew.

Hannon:

Ageism is alive and well in the workplace and deeply engrained in our culture. One of the best ways to fight back against ageism is to be physically fit. It's a fact of life that we judge people on their cover. “Lookism.”

I can't tell you how many jobseekers over 50 ask me if they should get botox or dye their hair to hide the gray. It's top of mind. I always say, sure if it makes you feel better and more confident. But the best way to fight ageism is to get physically fit.

I don't mean bench pressing or running fast miles. But rather incorporate a fitness program into your daily life and eat with an eye to nutrition. That might mean walking your dog a few miles a day like I do, or swimming and so forth. When you're physically fit, you exude a can-do attitude, you have energy and a positive vibe. People want to be around you. They want you on their team. They want to be your client. It is subliminal.

Orlov:

Here’s an example I have observed. I was in a medical office, and the receptionist spoke loudly to everyone who approached their desk, assuming they were hearing-impaired, regardless of whether they gave off any indications to that effect.

Just say – and not in a loud voice – there’s no need to shout. I have perfect hearing.

**********

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I hope there are some takeaways here for readers.

I don’t expect miracles. Respect is in short supply these days wherever you look. But being silent seems, to me at least, a form of complicity that is no longer acceptable. As my late brother, Dave, was fond of saying (in his very loud way), “The revolution will begin when the victims refuse to cooperate.”

Philip Moeller is the principal author of the Get What’s Yours series of books about Social Security, Medicare, and health care. @PhilMoeller